<?php
/**
 * <https://y.st./>
 * Copyright © 2017 Alex Yst <mailto:copyright@y.st>
 * 
 * This program is free software: you can redistribute it and/or modify
 * it under the terms of the GNU General Public License as published by
 * the Free Software Foundation, either version 3 of the License, or
 * (at your option) any later version.
 * 
 * This program is distributed in the hope that it will be useful,
 * but WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY; without even the implied warranty of
 * MERCHANTABILITY or FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. See the
 * GNU General Public License for more details.
 * 
 * You should have received a copy of the GNU General Public License
 * along with this program. If not, see <https://www.gnu.org./licenses/>.
**/

$xhtml = array(
	'title' => 'I&apos;m dying ...',
	'body' => <<<END
<section id="to-do">
	<h2>To-do list</h2>
	<ul>
		<li>
			Acquire stuff for my new home:
			<ul>
				<li>
					A bed
				</li>
				<li>
					A dustpan
				</li>
				<li>
					A carpet broom
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Inform people that I&apos;ve moved
			<ul>
				<li>
					Relevant online accounts
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Finish stabilizing <a href="https://git.volatile.ch./y.st./include.d/releases">include.d</a> and put out another release (low priority)
		</li>
		<li>
			Clean up my apartment
			<ul>
				<li>
					Clean up my bedroom
					<ul>
						<li>
							<del>Finish file-sorting</del>
						</li>
						<li>
							Finish sock-sorting
						</li>
						<li>
							<del>Finish hanging my work clothing</del>
						</li>
					</ul>
				</li>
				<li>
					Clean up the study alcove and living room
				</li>
				<li>
					Clean up the kitchen and entryway
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Finish the library&apos;s &quot;bingo&quot; sheet (these tasks were typed verbatim, and include any mistakes and quirks present on the sheet handed to me)
			<ul>
				<li>
					Attend any library program
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book you found using Novelist. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a nonfiction title
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a poem by Oregon Poet Laureate Elizabeth Woody
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book checked out from the Springfield Library (print, ebook, or audio)
				</li>
				<li>
					Visit somewhere new in downtown Springfield
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a graphic novel
				</li>
				<li>
					Read an author you have never read before
				</li>
				<li>
					Get outside: read in a Willamalane park for one hour willamalane.org
				</li>
				<li>
					Browse the Gale Virtual Reference Library. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Build, draw, or make something based on a book that you read
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a science fiction title
				</li>
				<li>
					Share a book recommendation
				</li>
				<li>
					Read an award-winning book
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book from a library display
				</li>
				<li>
					Suggest a library program you would attend
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a new book (published in 2016 or 2017)
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a young adult or children&apos;s book
				</li>
				<li>
					Build community: do something social. Try one of our book groups or go to Springfilm!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read something funny and have a good laugh :)
				</li>
				<li>
					Look at the art in the City Hall Gallery. There&apos;s a new show every month!
				</li>
				<li>
					Volunteer for a couple hours at a community organization of your choice.
				</li>
				<li>
					Download one of the library&apos;s free apps or search in a database. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book that takes place in another country
				</li>
				<li>
					Recommend our BINGO challenge to friends or family
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
	</ul>
</section>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		I wrote back to Chase:
	</p>
	<blockquote>
		<p>
			I just received the new form you sent in the mail.
			It&apos;s identical to the old one you sent!
			It says only to fill it out if my name change was *not* because of a court order, but my name change *was* because of a court order.
		</p>
		<p>
			It also says to bring proof of my name change into a branch, but I *already did that*.
			You then sent me via post a letter saying no change was needed because my name was already up to date in your records.
			However, the mere fact that you keep addressing me as &quot;<span class="redacted">[REDACTED]</span>&quot; is proof that my name in your records isn&apos;t up to date.
			My name is Alex Yst, and I&apos;ve already had an in-branch representative fax you proof of that.
			How do I get you to actually update my account?
		</p>
	</blockquote>
	<p>
		Let&apos;s see how they respond to that.
	</p>
	<p>
		I took care of my voter registration today.
		It&apos;ll take time to make it through the mail, but once it does, I&apos;ll be that much closer to being able to finish shredding outdated files.
		I think the last of the files in my shred-but-not-yet pile are the letters from Chase about the name change, my old voter registration cards from past and current addresses under my old name, and everything I have left from First Tech.
		I thought about finishing up with First Tech today, but there just wasn&apos;t time.
		Instead, I wanted to finish up the cleaning of my bedroom.
		Technically, it&apos;s all clean now, but I&apos;ve moved my unsorted socks to the living room to get them out of the way, and I&apos;m still calling those a bedroom task.
		They&apos;re all I have left to do in here though; next, I&apos;ll probably focus on the living room and study alcove.
		Some of the stuff out there needs to come back into the bedroom but in a neater fashion.
		I&apos;m also converting the study alcove into a sort of guest room.
		I may never have anyone stay over, but it gives me a place to put my other mattress, and I have no purpose for that room.
		There&apos;s no lights over there even, so I can&apos;t actually use it to study in or set up a desk and computer.
	</p>
	<p>
		One of my shift leader&apos;s offered me a filing cabinet given to the head manager.
		It seems the head manager doesn&apos;t thing it&apos;s a good fit for the office, and was considering taking it home themself.
		So ... why did the shift leader offer it to me then?
		I rode my bike to work as usual today though, so getting the cabinet home would be a pain.
		I left it there to pick up tomorrow.
		This one actually has keys, too, unlike my other one!
		The one I already have has a lock, but the keys were lost by a previous owner.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="library">
	<h2>Library task list</h2>
	<p>
		As I continued reading the book I checked out, I came across the thoughts of a homosexual person from when they were growing up.
		They felt that they were wrong, a freak, a mistake.
		When I was a child, I always felt like I was a mistake of nature, that I should never have existed.
		I guess I didn&apos;t feel like a freak; it was more like there was no place for me.
		Like ... there wasn&apos;t anything different about me than about normal people, but that my very existence was somehow ... not right.
		This was long before I understood that I <strong>*was*</strong> in fact different.
		It makes me wonder if those of use that are different can somehow sense it.
		We might not get the exact nature of our freakhood right (at least I didn&apos;t), but maybe it&apos;s not too uncommon to feel something isn&apos;t quite right; or rather, that something isn&apos;t quite <strong>*normal*</strong> about us.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		I was thinking to myself today that it shouldn&apos;t matter if I&apos;m not as productive in the world as I could be, or if I go crazy.
		As long as I do as little harm as I can, I should be free to do whatever makes <strong>*me*</strong> happy.
		Finding a mate wouldn&apos;t be so bad ...
		That&apos;s when it hit me.
		I&apos;m succumbing to the madness!
		I&apos;m losing my objectivity and actually considering the possibility of finding a partner!
		That&apos;s when I realised it was my real self that even pointed out the fact I&apos;m losing my sanity.
		The real me ... I can feel it dying.
		As I realised this, I began to literally cry a bit.
		Most likely, the real me will cease to be in the near future, yet it&apos;s too late.
		As I write this, I&apos;m crying again, knowing it&apos;s too late to save me.
		Those sexual thoughts have come back, but this time, more subtly, more slowly.
		This time, they got me with my guard down, they consumed too much of me.
		There&apos;s not enough of the real me to even fight back now, and I&apos;ll be going along with this and seeing where it takes me.
		My final hope is that I remain lucid in my madness.
		If I&apos;m aware, maybe I won&apos;t actually disappear.
		Maybe I can be happy as this new me, while not forgetting that this new me is bat-shit crazy.
		I think ... I think I could enjoy that.
		It&apos;s likely that these <a href="#mental">mental health watch</a> sections won&apos;t last much longer though.
		As I go insane, it&apos;s likely I&apos;ll forget I&apos;m insane at all.
		That would, of course, mean the real me will have died after all.
	</p>
	<p>
		However, it&apos;s worth noting that if this really is some sexuality bubbling to the surface, it&apos;s reversed polarity from last time.
		Previously, I was favouring one sex over the other, but now, I seem to be favouring the other one.
		One of my coworkers of that sex was using my register today, so I had to wait for them to finish before ringing my customer up.
		I enjoyed looking at the back of their neck.
		I&apos;d never pursue them, they&apos;re married, but it feels like a sign of a change in me.
		My fantasies have reversed too, and involve only life partners of this sex.
	</p>
	<p>
		It&apos;s possible these are only fantasies and nothing more.
		It&apos;s true I found the back of my coworker&apos;s neck attractive.
		However, there was zero intent in any direction behind it.
		I didn&apos;t want to date my coworker, or bed them.
		I&apos;m freaking out a bit, but this might not actually lead anywhere; it sure didn&apos;t last time.
	</p>
	<p>
		I&apos;ve decided I need to get out of here, or at least try.
		I need to try to get a more-reasonable job.
		There&apos;s too much to tackle at once right now, so I won&apos;t look right away.
		I&apos;ve got my apartment-cleaning spree, my library challenge, work, and school ...
		Once I get my apartment cleaned up though, I&apos;ll probably start to job hunt.
		I don&apos;t have my degree yet, but it can&apos;t hurt to try.
	</p>
</section>
END
);
